Word of the Week: Choice

Life Lesson:

“I’m tired of managing other people’s emotions!!!!”

This is a phrase that’s been coming out of my mouth more and more these days. It’s something most empaths have to deal with. This is because we feel emotions so strongly that it’s often difficult to tell what’s our stuff vs. someone else’s. That’s why most empaths, at least at the beginning of their journey, struggle with people-pleasing.

I think a common misconception about people-pleasing is that it comes from an egoic place of really wanting people to like you. Some of that is true. However, for a lot of empaths, people-pleasing tendencies first develop as forms of self-protection. Since we can feel people’s disapproval, judgments and criticisms so strongly, we learn at a very early age how to give people what they want to avoid the pain of their disappointment. This turns into a vicious cycle of overgiving, overachieving, and overanalyzing our way through life.

Here are some examples of how I’ve noticed myself people-pleasing recently:

• A friend wasn’t responding to my text messages. I agonized for hours about what I might have said that offended her and ended up calling her to make sure everything was ok.
• I was over at a friend’s for dinner where the main dish was pasta. I am gluten-intolerant so my friend made a separate dish for me. The dish she made for me accidentally also had gluten in it. I didn’t want to make a scene so ate it anyway.
• I spent an hour writing a two-sentence email to make sure I made a good first impression
• Someone asked me about the new, exciting project I’m working on. I shared the details, she didn’t get it, I walked away feeling like crap.
• I was on a plane wearing my Columbia sweatshirt and my seatmate asked if I went there for school. Before I knew it, I was playing therapist and teaching her how to heal from PTSD.
• I couldn’t fall asleep because I was worried about all the emails and text messages I still needed to respond to.

 

My default is to get overly focused on other people’s feelings. On the one hand, it’s what makes me good at my job and my personal relationships so strong. On the other, it takes a toll on my emotional wellbeing. If I’m not careful, I’ll give away all of my energy and have nothing left for me. This can bring about burnout, illness, and feelings of resentment.

One thing I’m practicing to be more deliberate about managing my energy is learning how to be in connection with others without abandoning myself in the process. This means I try to catch myself when I have the urge to do these 10 things:

1. Race to someone’s rescue to make their pain go away
2. Put myself down when I sense someone feels insecure around me
3. Take the blame if someone is upset with me
4. Move my whole schedule to accommodate someone else’s
5. Lower my rates because someone’s money story is triggered
6. Feel guilty about not responding to a text message or email
7. Justify or explain my thought process
8. Force myself to do something I don’t want to
9. Neglect excusing myself from a conversation to go to the bathroom
10. Spend more money than I want on a group gift

 

Since it’s second nature for empaths to put other people’s needs ahead of their own, it’s important to remember that you have needs, too. You get to choose how to spend your precious energy. Say “yes” when you have energy to give. Say “no” when you don’t. You get to call the shots.

Don’t forget that a yes today doesn’t mean a yes tomorrow. Life is a constant ebb and flow. It’s time to break free of niceties, obligations, and assumptions and start listening to the rhythms of our own energy cycles.

Ask Yourself: What is your go-to response if someone asks you for a favor? Do you drop everything and do it no questions asked or do you check-in with yourself to see if you have the capacity to help? If you say “no” to someone, what is the first thing your inner voice says?

Weekly Mantra: I have needs too.

 

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